by Susan Berran
But oh yeah, sure, my snotty nose little sister, Miss Smelly Melly Prissy Pants gets to have her very own puppy that slobbers all over anyone who comes within reach of its extremely long tongue. It looks like a white ball of fluff having a permanent hair explosion. Of course long hairy dog means long hairy butt! It’s not my dog so why should I have to clean and wipe its backside every time it comes in?
One time I used Mum’s leg razor to shave the dog’s butt totally. You should have seen her from behind. She looked like a dartboard .. round, bald, with a big red bullseye in the middle. Mum went ballistic and Yelly Melly sooked until it grew back. Actually, I don’t know what the hassle was. It’s not as if I vacuumed the dog, oooh, there’s an idea.
Jared’s taller and skinnier than me, with red curly hair and about a zillion freckles on his face. You should see him with his shirt off. He’s so skinny that he looks like a ladder with the measles, wearing a clown wig on top. I swear you could actually climb him.
Mum reckons he’s .. “A bad influence,” and that she’d prefer I found a friend who didn’t seem to be always getting into trouble. Yeah, yeah, and if I wanted to make something of myself, blah, blah, blah, take responsibility for my own actions, something, something. Yep, sure Mum. Just because one time Jared and me shot a frog each with the school fire extinguisher. Jared got the one that was sitting on the classroom roof; he fired from directly below. Bullseye! You should have seen its eyes pop. The first frog sent into outer space by jet-propelled buttocks. Mine was the best though, it was sitting on the bonnet of the principal’s car. Man, what a shot, right in the mouth. You should have seen how far that frog flew with a gob full of foam. It had to be at least sixty metres .. it was awesome! That frog flew off the car bonnet at warp speed ten, skidded along the path on its backside, leaving a green snail trail for ages, until it bounced upward and smacked into the classroom window like a soggy snotty tissue .. splat!!
Oh yeah, another time we found a half eaten old fish and hid it in the girls’ toilets at school. There were blowflies, mozzies and ants everywhere. It took two weeks for the stink to go and geez, did the girls sook, especially Crabby Abbey who found it. “Oooh, I’ll never be able to use those toilets again, or eat fish and chips.” What a load of bull! She’s always trying to get us into trouble. Just because Jared told her that her nose looks like it’s permanently pressed up against a window, and that her ears wave at everyone when it’s windy. And it’s not my fault if I have a cold and accidentally sneeze boogas into her hair.